the love for anything that moves esp bikes! oh yes, and blushers. what a contradiction! :)

Thursday, August 10, 2006

i had a great start to the public holiday today.

was kinda asked to wake up at 9 to have bfast and ate tom yam fried beehoon. and went to the old folks home to visit my fren's grandmother. then hastily ate lunch and had a nap. seemed like some ordinary afternoon, but it was spent with a very close friend.

and i didnt expect the day to end like tt. like how it was just now.

all i really wanna say is sometimes words like "i miss you", "i love you" (regardless of r/ships) and small acts like a hug or a peck on the check to ur loved ones really matter alot.

perhaps it is because the loved ones are always with you and most of us have taken them for granted and we never expect them to forsake us no matter what happens. but we often forget one thing, they may have to go one day if they have to, not because they wan to, but rather because they have to or they need to.

went thru 4 years in girls' sch where "i love you-s" and hugs were often abused and used all the time, i was never the kinda who followed the trend. in fact, i tend to be conservative towards friends and often kept a distance in terms of physical hugs and kisses and was careful with the choice of words. cos i believe such words were meant only for my loved one/s.

as i grew older, i realised words do make a difference in an individual's day. like "oh you look really good in this skirt" really makes one's heart flutter. but still, i was stingy with those words cos i was never good at talking. i only talk when im certain of what im saying and only when there is a need. perhaps that is why i was never miss popular, but i didnt really care cos i only wanted to be comfortable with myself.

i only realised the impact when such words are absent in times of insecurity, required assurance. im sorry to the friend who needed me so badly and i, yet had the check to conveniently abandon you.

sorry-s do not help to salvage anything anymore because i wasnt there when u needed me and for this, i know it is going to be one of my biggest regrets in my life.

i said learning has never been easy, but u said learning could be easy if i wanted to cos i had the time and all the chances in the world. if only i had put in more effort. i had the easier option then. i was too blind.

to turn back time and say i wan all these back seem impossible now. and i guess god is fair. since everything went on well for me and yet i didnt cherish it, it was time for god to take everything away for me cos there was a need for me to learn desperately. but i hope the higher being will be fair to you cos it wasnt ur fault in the first place and i dun wan to you to suffer because of my absent-mindedness and my spoilt ways.

sometimes it is true that you dont know what u have unless u lose them. i said this so many times yet i do not learn. i deserve more than this loss.

for a kite that i always have thought to have full control, to have snapped and flown away, i feel an indescrible pain in my heart. for i do not know where the kite may have flown to, but to wherever, i hope the kite finds its way to somewhere happier.

while, the owner will have to loither in the field, with hopes to find the kite back and to ponder over why she lost the control totally. sometimes, it is easier to push the fault away by saying it is something that the owner has no control in the flying of the kite because the wind was too strong or the string was too thin. but to think about it, there will surely be tell-tales and it would be so much easier for the owner to pull the string back and do the necessary adjustments. if only one could be more sensitive and spend more effort in detecting, the loss could be prevented and pain wouldnt be an inevitable consequence.

today when i heard the voice on the other end, i felt like it was the end of the world cos i heard tears. tears which i could have prevented but i didnt. tears that expressed love. tears that oozed pain. tears that highlighted helplessness and unhappiness.

im sorry for i thot i was the best friend on earth. i truly am. leave me behind and allow me to repent and learn. i deserve chances no more.

with my insensitivity, i hurt someone who loves and cares for me so much. not only have i lost a phyiscal friend, i lost the care, attention, love and concern, i lost a spirit who was willingly to go thru the ups and downs in life with me, most importantly, i lost a big part of myself and i dont quite like myself now cos im shattered and torn.

i love you. really.

i know you’ve heard these words a hundred other times before.
and you’ve been hurting so your heart has chose to close the door.
love broke your heart and brought you lies.

dui bu qi. zhen de.